Dating should be fun and enjoyable, and whilst it can be very exciting to meet new people and go on dates, it can also be exhausting, draining and hard-work. This is because people are unpredictable, and you simply do not know who you will wind up meeting, so it’s important that you look out for red flags when dating.
Red flags when dating:
1.They talk about their ex a lot!
No matter the conversation topic, they always manage to find a way to bring up their ex-partner. You could be talking about the weather, and they will tell you that their ex’s favourite season is Summer, like you are supposed to give a damn!
I thought everyone knew it was general dating etiquette not to keep babbling on about your ex – apparently not!
It doesn’t make you feel particularly great either, I mean, you made an effort to go on the date with someone who you believe has potential, only to sit and listen to them talk about someone else – instant turn-off if you ask me!
It’s perfectly fine to bring up an ex when necessary, for example, if you are talking about past relationships, but anything more than that is just straight-up annoying!
If your date is talking about their ex a lot, then I hate to say it, but they are not over them, and if he is not over them, then they are likely on the rebound.
2. They make every conversation about them
Did you know there was a term for people who have no interest in what you have to say and talk about themselves often? If, like me, you didn’t know, according to Mind Body Green it’s called a ‘conversational narcissist’ (you learn something new every day).
Dating is all about getting to know one another so you can assess one another’s suitability to pursue romance, intimacy and relationships. If they dominate the conversation and show little interest when you tell them about yourself, you will end up in a one-sided relationship where your thoughts and feelings likely won’t matter.
I had a friend who was a conversational narcissist’ she wasn’t happy unless she was the centre of the conversation, and if you had a problem, she had it ten times worse!
It may not seem too bad at first, but trust me, it becomes very draining after a while, and you could wind up feeling like you don’t matter when you are with this person!
3. They attend drunk or high!
Your date should want to make a good impression, so I am not sure why anyone would want to come to a date, drunk or high – even though I know this happens (check out our dating dairies here)
Drugs and alcohol change your behaviour and your reactions to things, so you are not going to get to know them the way they should; plus, they may exhibit behaviour that you do not like or may find annoying.
Turning up drunk or high could mean they have more serious issues with drugs or alcohol, and no one wants to get involved with that, and it shows how irresponsible they are!
4. They are rude to staff
Respect, kindness and manners don’t cost anything, and if your date is being a di** to staff who are providing you with a service on your date, then this says a lot about them. How they interact with other people can give you a sense of their true character.
Not only is it unkind, but it’s also totally embarrassing for you!
5. They met online and they look very different in person
No one likes a Catfish; it’s dishonest and manipulative
From being a lot bigger or slimmer than their photos to looking completely different to their display pictures, you may choose to give them the benefit of the doubt, but the chances are they knew exactly what they were doing!
This is why it is always wise to video call before you meet so you can avoid situations where you want to make a swift exit.
6. They do not ask you want you want and order for you
If someone orders for you on a date and doesn’t even bother asking you what you would like, this is a major red flag when dating! It indicates that there could be some control issues, issues with misogyny, and they likely won’t take your thoughts and feelings into consideration.
You are a grown-up, not a child, and you can make your own choices, whether something minor like what to have for dinner or drink or other big decisions such as where to live or what career to go into.
Having the right to choose is a basic human right and should never be taken for granted!
7. They don’t mind coming to your house but they will always have an excuse when you want to go to theirs
If they are happy to come by yours but never invite you to theirs, then you have every right to be suspicious.
Dating is about give and take, and visiting their house is just a basic necessity for progressing in dating. If they cannot allow you that, then there is a good chance that they are hiding something.
Of course, there will be exceptions to this, such as they live with family or unstable or unhealthy living environment and inviting you to theirs may not be possible.
8. You hear bad things about them or they have a bad reputation
Whilst some would argue listening to gossip is wrong, sometimes it is completely necessary in order to protect yourself.
If the person you are dating has a bad rep, it’s a red flag when dating, and whilst you don’t have to believe everything or judge them before getting to know them, it shouldn’t be ignored.
You may want to address your concerns about the rumours if you feel confident enough to do so, as this may put your mind at ease, plus give you the opportunity to hear their side.
If you do not want to ask them about it, you can just remain cautious and mindful and pay attention to the red flags you may see yourself.
9. They are not present
Your date may have turned up, but are they fully present? And by this, I mean, are they actively listening to you? Are they responding when they should be, and do they seem interested? Or do they appear distracted or disinterested?
I am the first to admit that I find it difficult to be present when I have a lot on my mind, but if this is the case for your date, they should have rescheduled.
They might even be glued to their phone (which we can all be guilty of sometimes), but come on, you can surely put your phone away for a couple of minutes to at last listen to what you have to say
You deserve someone who is focused on you and only you, and is eager to hear all about you!
10. They are rude to their mother
My Mother always told me to pay attention to how a man treats his mother because that will tell you everything you need to know about how he will treat you.
Of course, there are going to be exceptions to this, as families can be complex, but I like to use it as a general guide, especially when they are not good to their Mother. If he can disrespect and treat her badly, then I don’t see why you would be an exception!
11. They slag their ex off by saying mean things!
We touched upon talking too much about ex-partners, but if you do get into a conversation about exes and they use derogatory and/or rude language when talking about them.
Admittedly, I do not know any backstory of your date and their ex, but is it really necessary to hurl insults and use derogatory terms about them to another woman?
It’s inappropriate, and I also think it says a lot about their character and how they behave when they are not happy about things or with someone.
12. They make misogynistic comments
I once dated a guy who, on our first date, told me, ‘Men rule everything’. I should have left right there, and then, sadly, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, and the misogyny continued.
Don’t be like me; nip that behaviour in the bud as soon as possible and give your time to someone who sees you as equal.
13. They don’t make an effort
First impressions count! If you were going to a job interview, you would make an effort to look presentable (I should hope). There is no difference when dating, it’s important you look clean and presentable.
It’s off-putting sitting across from someone who looks like they have just rolled out of bed and had ten minutes to get dressed before they left the house. Meanwhile, you spent the afternoon getting ready, trying to look 10/10 for the date!
Making an effort is not just about how they look, but also about how they make you feel and behave.
Are they making an effort to make you feel comfortable and at ease on the date? Did they put thought into where they had taken you? These things really matter and can certainly put them in the race to bagging a second date when they put the effort in!
14. They have kids they do not see or support
I always get suspicious of people who have children they do not see or support, and this is a major red flag when dating.
Not being a parent to your children tells me exactly who you are, as your children should be the most important people in your life and should always come first.
if you don’t see or care for them, then it tells me that they are likely not stepping up to responsibilities, and they are selfish.
15. They love bomb
The last red flag when dating is love bombing….
Very Well Mind would describe love bombing as showering you with extreme displays of affection in order to manipulate you, and it goes on to explain that it can lead to gaslighting and abuse in order to control you!
Love bombing is emotional abuse, and things to look out for may be:
- Telling you they love you very early on
- Constantly flattering you and paying you compliments
- Showering you with gifts
- Planning a future with you early on
- Giving you lots of attention
16. They do not have a job
A man with no job likely has no motivation, aspirations or goals to want better in life.
Of course, there are exceptions to this; for example, they may have just lost their job, but if their work history is very scarce, then I would give them a wide birth, hun.
If it were to get serious, then it would be difficult to plan a future with someone who has no job, because, let’s be honest, if they have no job, they likely have no money! You would likely be the breadwinner, and you would be pressured to cover all finances.
17. They have no job but appear to have a lot of money
Whilst we are on the topic of jobs, a red flag when dating is your date appearing to have money, but they do not have a job!
They may take you on nice dates to expensive restaurants or wear nice expensive clothes; they may even drive a nice car, but with no job, it will lead you to question how they can afford it.
If they don’t have a very rich family, they are likely doing some dodgy and illegal!
18. They say one thing but do another
If there’s one thing I cannot bear, it is someone who says one thing and then does another! Let’s call it what it is and say they are full of sh**!
This is a red flag when dating because it shows that they cannot be relied upon, or trusted to do what they say they will, and this can be extremely frustrating and annoying!
19. They are all talk and no action
There is something very off-putting about someone who does a lot of talking but takes no action.
An example of this may be someone who talks a lot about starting their own business but does nothing to get things started.
When you are all talk and all action, you don’t possess the motivation or drive to get things done, and that’s a turn-off!
20. They are not consistent
Consistency is so important when dating because it builds trust and dependability. It’s also a great way to show that your date is interested and maybe wants to take it further!
If they are not consistent with communication or behaviour, it’s a red flag when dating because it is likely to leave you not knowing where you stand and feeling like they are messing you around!
Final thoughts
Whilst I have listed 20 red flags when dating there are many many more and the best advice I can give to you is to trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t, it something feels to good to be true then it probably is
Do not do anything you are not comfortable with and don’t be afraid to block and delete if necessary.
It’s so important to pay attention to red flags when dating because it prevents you from wasting your time, protects you from abuse and harm.
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