Betrayal is a breach of someone’s trust that will likely involve deceiving or mistreating others. B It is not something any of us set out to experience, but sadly, it happens to the best of us, so I have written a practical guide for how to get over betrayal.
Betrayal is painful and can bring up various emotions and complex feelings in us, from anger and sadness to resentment and hate.
It can be particularly painful because we are more likely to experience it from someone we love and trust, such as a family member, partner or friend.
Whether your partner has cheated on you or your friend has stabbed you in the back, we must build coping mechanisms to enable us to move forward and heal from those who have wronged us.
There is no timeline for when we should get over betrayal, and you should take however long you need. You may find one day you are doing okay and think you have moved on, but the next, you are filled with anger and grief. This is a completely normal part of the healing process.
Despite the hurt and pain that betrayal can bring us, it doesn’t define us, and we can get through any adversity that comes our way.
1. Be kind to yourself
Over the past few years, social media has pushed the #BeKind movement for more compassion and empathy towards others, but we mustn’t forget that we have be kind to ourselves if we are to love ourselves truly.
We can be our most prominent critics; sometimes, we don’t even notice we are doing it. Being unkind to ourselves can look like the following:
- Believing negative thoughts about ourselves, such as we are unattractive, unlovable
- Negative self-talk such as calling ourselves ugly, dumb or stupid
- Participating in harmful/destructive behaviour
- Constantly blaming ourselves
Being kind to ourselves is even more important if we have been betrayed because we are likely to feel vulnerable and fragile. During these times it will be easy to be hard on ourselves when what we need most is own kindness.
Being kind to yourself can look like this:
- Taking time out for self-care
- Avoiding speaking negatively about yourself
- Only doing things you want to do
- Accepting that you are not perfect
- Stop criticising yourself
- Exercising and eating healthy
2. Accept the situation for what it is
While being stabbed in the back may be causing you hurt and pain, you first need to accept what has happened. Accepting the situation for what it is will help you heal and move on from it.
By accepting it, we only focus on the things that are within our control and can change, and we avoid obsessing over the things we cannot.
Acceptance will prevent ruminating on what has happened, blaming ourselves or wishing that things were different, and break negative thought patterns that you may be feeling, such as guilt and shame.
3. Avoid self blame
It is common to blame ourselves if we have been betrayed. You may wonder what you did to make them treat you the way they did or even question if you deserved it.
When self-blame creeps in, it can impact our self-esteem and sense of worth. It can be incredibly destructive and harm your healing process as you may begin to punish yourself and participate in destructive behaviours and negative thought processes.
You are not responsible for anyone’s choices and decisions and you have no control over how people will act. If someone has betrayed you, then it is never about you and always about them.
4. Forgive those that hurt us
We have to forgive others. This may seem ludicrous because you may feel you are excusing their ill-treatment of you, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Forgiving others has nothing to do with the other person, especially if we have been hurt; it takes the burden from you, allowing you to make peace with the situation and let it go.
Forgiving those that hurt us does not mean that we need to keep them around or resume the same relationship we had with them before, we can forgive them but cut off all contact too!
Research has shown that forgiveness can improve cholesterol levels, pain, and blood pressure and lower the risk of a heart attack.
5. Avoid looking for happiness outside of ourselves
Happiness is a feeling, a state of well-being. As cliché as it sounds, happiness starts within.
Being betrayed can snatch our happiness away from us, this usually temporary whilst we get over being stabbed in the back, but at the time we may feel like we will never find happiness again.
When we feel we may not find happiness it may cause us to rely on outside circumstances circumstances to make us happy again. For example if our partner betrayed us we might feel we need another partner to make us happy again.
Happiness is a feeling, a state of well-being and it starts within . You can start by looking for things in your life currently that make you happy, this could be your friends, family, things you enjoy doing and practising gratitude for these things.
6. Set boundaries
When we have been betrayed we have to protect our energy, space, happiness and wellbeing. This means having set boundaries to maintain our limits. Boundaries hold our deepest values and morals so it’s really important we are clear about the boundaries we want to set and what’s important to us.
These types of boundaries can include:
- Physical boundaries
- Emotional boundaries
- Sexual boundaries
- Religious and spiritual boundaries
Putting in place clear boundaries can protect us from ill-treatment and disrespect and when people violate our boundaries we are more likely to challenge this and walk away from those who do not respect us.
7. Spend time with loved ones
Being around people who love and care for you can be the most uplifting thing you are struggling with betrayal. The special people in your life can sure give you plenty of reasons of why you are so lovable and counteract all the unkind, unloving things you have had done to you.
Our dear ones can provide us with love and support during tough times and should never underestimate just how much we can feel better about ourselves by spending time with the right people.
8. Practice daily affirmations
Practising daily affirmations can work wonders for building our self-love and self worth after we have been betrayed.
They can also be easily implemented into our daily life and when done consistently they can help you shift your mindset and make positive changes.
You should aim to spend 5- 10 minutes a day either speaking or writing down your affirmations. There is no magical number for how many times you need to repeat these affirmations but keeping it consistent is key as it helps us develop a habit whereby it comes naturally.
You could say something like:
- “I am loved, I am worthy, I am perfectly imperfect”
- My circumstances do not define my self-worth or who I am
- I am wanted and I am enough
- I am surrounded by love
- The love I give to myself is limitless and unconditional
If we can believe our negative thoughts then we can believe our positive ones. According to Crystal Raypole consistently repeating affirmations encourages the brain to take these affirmations as fact and this leads to you acting on these affirmations.
9. Build confidence and self esteem
Self-esteem is how we think and feel about ourselves, so it can take a hit if you have been hurt and mistreated and we will likely need to work on building it back up.
Our self-esteem could plummet if we are the victim of betrayal but it helps with resilience and able to cope with life’s challenges more effectively. Having low self-esteem can be harmful to our well-being and also discourage personal growth.
The NHS recommends the following to build confidence and self-esteem:
– Learning to say ‘no’
– Giving yourself a challenge
– Being assertive
– Recognizing what you are good at
It is important to remember that building your confidence and self-esteem is a process that will not happen overnight, there will be times when you feel are doing great and times when you know you could do better but with consistency and patients, you will be sure to see improvements and results.
10. Enjoy yourself
Yup, no clause here, go and enjoy yourself!
Participating in things that we love doing is not only fun but also improves our emotional wellbeing, which is great for loving ourselves again. Enjoying yourself after you have been hurt will give you that much-needed respite. It also provides you with an opportunity to take you mind of the situation that caused us hurt and pain, relax and unwind.
Enjoying yourself will allow you to see the beauty of life again, understand that things are not all doom and gloom and put a smile back on our face again.
11. Take care of your physical health
Our physical health is just as important as our mental health. In fact, taking care of your physical health can have multiple benefits on your wellbeing all-round, so its not surprising that this can have positive benefits for getting over betrayal.
We can can take care pf our physical health doing the following:
- Exercising
- Getting enough sleep
- Drinking plenty of water
- Limiting alcohol
- Avoiding tobacco
If you take care of yourself you will begin to feel better about yourself and the skin you are in, which in turn enables you to feel better.
Final thoughts
There are plenty of ways you can get over being hurt and mistreated. Always try to remember that the situation that caused you hurt and pain does not define who you are and you can and will move forward from it.
Getting over betrayal certainly be challenging and it’s important to remember that it will also not happen overnight. It takes time patients and a commitment to yourself. Make a commitment right now because you owe it to yourself to reclaim your happiness again!
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