When we were teenagers and young adults, our friends were everything to us, and there was no place we wanted to go without them. They helped shape our thoughts and views, and essentially, the friends we made when we were younger have had a lasting impact on us to this day.
Making friends came easily to many of us, and if friendships ended, it wouldn’t be long until we had a new set of friends to hang out with, to confide in, grow and learn with.
As we grew older and began to chase our dreams and become our authentic selves, some of our friendships naturally drifted apart, and some may have even ended on bad terms. Life was no longer all about having fun and making memories with our friends; we had career goals to meet, love to navigate and families to prioritize.
One thing is for sure, it is that maintaining friendships and even making new friends as adults is a lot harder than when we were younger, and often requires a conscious effort, thinking outside the box and coming out of our comfort zone.
When I reached my 30s, I found my friendship group dwindling; what was once a vibrant, buzzing social circle had become a series of failed meet-ups, half-hearted ‘check-ins’ and promises to check in that never materialized.
‘Adulting’ can certainly test friendships, and some will survive whilst others will not. There are, however, a few key things that need to be considered when reflecting on your adult friendships and how to navigate your adult friendships!
Are more adults becoming lonely?
It feels as if more and more adults are lonely and are searching for friendship, which leads me to so many questions: why do many of us not have friends? Has it always been like that? Do people struggle to build platonic relationships? Or is it busy lives that prevent us from maintaining friendships? Whilst I do not confess to knowing all the answers, it feels as if our connections have gotten lost a long way and we are struggling to navigate adult friendships.
A quick search on Facebook will present you with a range of private groups, with the sole purpose of people connecting and making new friends. The ‘London Lonely Girl’ Facebook group has nearly 90,000 members and is filled daily with posts about people wanting to socialize and connect with others.
Many of the posts disclose that they are looking to make new friends because old friendships have faded away, or many ‘old friends’ now have partners and families, so they don’t get to see their friends as much anymore. Some have moved cities so are looking for people close by they can connect with, and others have even started families and want more ‘mummy friends’.
Navigating adult friendships:
Understand that the dynamics of friendships do change over time:
The dynamics often change in adult friendships, and this doesn’t have to be a bad thing, as you can still maintain a healthy friendship. For example, my friend got married and had a child this changed the dynamics of our friendship, before she started a family, we would have regular night outs, attend bottomless brunches and do festivals together, now we don’t do these social activities together, and instead we have go quiet meals, have takeaway nights in and dinner parties.
I don’t mind the shift, as we still get to spend time with another! I appreciate that things we used to do together are not as simple for her to do now that she has a child to look after!
Be open to forming new friendships:
Using the same example as above about how the dynamics in my friendship changed when she started a family, I still wanted to attend festivals and have nights out, so I put myself out there to meet new people who wanted to do the same things I did. You shouldn’t have to stop doing what you want because your friend can’t do it anymore.
Adult friendships mean your life won’t always align with your friends, for example, whilst your friends have settled down and started families, you may not be ready for that, so it’s perfectly okay to form friendships with people who are aligned with the path you are on!
It’s worth noting that forming adult friendships isn’t always easy! I miss the times when you could walk up to someone in the playground and ask if you could join in, and within minutes, you were best friends and inseparable. Sadly. adult friendships take a bit more focused effort and intention, but it certainly is doable.
There are plenty of apps and social media groups that can help you with this! You will just need to be consistent and committed to meeting new people, and also conscious of the fact that not everyone you will meet will blossom into a great friendship!
Know when to let go of one sided friendships:
Many of us have experienced one-sided friendships, whereby if we didn’t contact our friend, check in and plan meet-ups, we would never see them. This can lead you to feel resentment and can also damage your well-being.
If you feel that your efforts are not being reciprocated, then it may be time to let go of the friendship. Healthy friendships consist of effort on BOTH parts, and being the one to make all the effort can be exhausting!
It may be worthwhile addressing this issue with your friend, and if there is no improvement, then naturally, moving on to building connections with people who will put equal effort into the friendship.
There doesn’t need to be a dramatic fallout, and you don’t even need to announce that you no longer want to remain friends. you just need to match energy, and if you stop making the effort, the friendship naturally won’t survive!
Commit to making an effort:
I cannot stress enough how much adult friendships consist of making an effort; without effort, the friendship will not survive!
We all have busy, complex lives, but no one is so busy that they cannot fit time into spending with friends, and anyone who says that they are just doesn’t prioritize the friendship!
Meeting up doesn’t have to be every week, or even every month, but you will need to be present and actively engaged. For example, exchanging messages and phone calls and being supportive during times of need!
Make time and prioritize your friendships, just like you would the gym if you were trying to lose weight or like you would study if you were prepping for an exam.
When making new friends, vulnerability is key:
If you want to build meaningful friendships, then it’s going to require you to be vulnerable. Vulnerability builds an authentic emotional connection and allows people to relate to you on a deeper level, and it allows you to get the know your new friend even better!
Let go of expectations:
I feel that many of us are guilty of placing expectations on how our friendships should be, which leads to attachment and trying to control the dynamics of the friendship. When our expectations are not met, it can cause disappointment, feelings of resentment, and it can even damage the friendship beyond repair.
Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean that we have to put up with toxic behaviours from our friends; it simply means that we detach from it and let it take it’s natural course.
Adult friendships don’t have to be hard; they can be just as fun as friendships from our teenage years. Ultimately, it comes down to priorities and making time for one another, no matter how hetic our life gets. Friends are our chosen family, true friends are invaluable, so you cherish them!
