There are a lot of good men out there, but there is no denying that losers are also plentiful! On our quest to find love, have casual sex or just have fun dating, we may find ourselves in pretty undesirable and even dangerous situations, from prolific ghosters, catfishing, terrible dates and even being subjected to abuse. Luckily for us women there is now a way for us to avoid investing our precious time in wasters, toxic men and abusers. How you ask? Well…. ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy’ Facebook groups.
What’s what?
AWDTSG groups are run by women and for women. The groups were created in 2022 and there are various ones covering different areas in the UK, for example, the Midlands, Northeast, Yorkshire and London.
It aims to be a place where women can speak freely and openly, in a safe space, without the threat of harassment and intimidation.
The group’s main purpose is for women’s protection and safety. It allows members to warn other members about men that they have been involved with who may be liars, cheaters, abusive, toxic, serial ghosters and other general ‘red flag’ behaviour. A picture of the man is included in the post so he can be identified.
The biggest ‘Are we dating the same guy’ group in the UK is the ‘London/England’ edition, which has a whopping 101K members and is growing daily. Hundreds of posts are posted every day and it is managed by 4 admin members and 23 moderators, to ensure those posting in the group are sticking to the rules and ejecting those from the group who are not!
Talking of the rules, AWDTSG has plenty of them, all of which you have to rely back to those that run it by typing your understanding of the rules in ‘type boxes’ when you request to join This is certainly a good way of ensuring that those wanting to join are understanding them and bothering to read them at all!
Rules condemn hate speech and racism, victim blaming and shaming and hostility towards others. The group makes it clear that it is about protecting women and not judging men so any comments about how a man looks or dresses are strictly forbidden.
You should only post a man who you have dated or plan to date and you are not supposed to tell a man about anything posted in the group, share screenshots, or mention the groups on podcasts/social media or to any male friends.
Of course, there is no way to ensure that the women in the group abide by the rules, which is why they warn women to be prepared for anything they post to get back to the men in they speak about. Admin is also clear that anyone who violates the rules will be banned from the group.
Lucy, 28, tells me a lot of women post anonymously because there are ongoing issues with women reporting back to men and telling them what has been posted.
“Telling men what has been posted could put a woman at risk of harm and since the group is supposed to be women supporting women, I don’t understand why you would want to endanger another woman.”
Controversy surrounding the groups
A quick Google search about these groups will bring you to various forums where men and women express their disdain and concerns about the credibility and potential harm that these groups are causing to men and women.
Shevon, 36, told me that she posted her negative experiences which relate to coercive control about a man she once dated, in the group. She was sent abusive messages and called a liar by other women she didn’t know. She states that she then received abusive phone calls from the man in question.
“These women knew the man in question and went back and told him what I had said. Considering it’s a group that is meant to be a safe space for women, I didn’t feel very safe, so I left after this incident!”
Many men and women feel that these groups are a breeding ground for gossip, rumours and slander which can have a detrimental impact on a man’s health and wellbeing and seriously impact the quality of his life. Especially those that are branded as an ‘abuser’.
Tammy states “In all honestly, I used to think the group was helpful, but now I do feel that women are using it to gossip and be nosey. Pictures of men get posted with the caption ‘Any tea?’ (tea meaning gossip*) quite often, some posts women write scream ‘bitter’ if you ask me.”
Men standing up against the groups
Men’s rights activist groups and online groups have been fighting hard to get the groups closed down, but so far they have not been successful,2 years since they started, they are continuing to grow.
Across the pond in America, there have been multiple lawsuits whereby men have sued women who use the group to ‘defame’ their character and ‘ruin their reputation’. One particular case was a Man in LA who named 10 women in the lawsuit and sought 2 million in damages. The case was eventually dismissed by the courts.
Men have also been ‘fighting back’ with groups popping up on Facebook called ‘Are we dating the same girl?’ The groups are not as popular as the women’s groups, and nor have I managed to speak to anyone who is a part of them, however, time will tell if they grow in popularity.
Some would argue that men have valid concerns about ‘are we dating the same guy’ groups because they have no way of defending themselves and nobody can be sure that anything that is posted in the group is 100% true, which can have detrimental consequences for a man.
Mia, 23, states “I think the issue here is that some men are being called out on their behaviour and they don’t like that, cheaters and abusers especially. Not all of the posts are negative. Some women will post a man they are dating or planning to date and will be told by members that had only good experiences with them, and this happens quite often.”
Safeguarding women
It’s a well-known fact that women and girls are more likely to be victims of abuse than our male counterparts, which leads us to question the need for groups such as ‘Are we dating the same guy’ and how warning women about potentially harmful behaviours from men they are dating, could be saving thousands of women from mistreatment and abuse.
According to The World Health Organisation a quarter of women aged 15 – 49 who have been in a relationship have been a victim of either physical/sexual violence by an intimate partner at least once in their lifetime and globally 38% of all murders are committed by intimate partners.
The UK government has stated that violence against women and girls is a national threat, which leads me to believe ‘Are we dating the same guy’ groups could play a vital role in reducing mistreatment and harm towards women.
Laura, 26 tells me she had a ‘lucky escape’ with a guy who she met online. She had known him for a couple of weeks and they had been on 2 dates, both dates she described as ‘good’ where he was the perfect gentleman and they seemed to hit it off.
“I was beginning to like the guy, and I had been in the group for a while so I decided to post his picture and ask other members if there were any red flags I needed to know. It was impulsive really, I hadn’t yet clocked any red flags”
“Two women got back to me, one was the mother of his child and the other an ex of 6 months. The mother of his children told me that they had not been together for nearly 5 years but he had been physically abusive towards her in the past and he barely saw let alone provided financially for his children”.
“The other woman I spoke with told me she briefly dated him for a few months until he began to display coercive control and jealous behaviour so she ended things.”
“I can honestly say I was not expecting what I got back, I thought if he was known, he would probably be playing multiple women, I was expecting to be told about a history of abuse. Then again, I don’t know why I was shocked, you see it all the time in the group, women warning others about abusive men. It’s quite scary. These groups are important, it’s protecting women from harm!”
These groups are not the only initiatives in the UK that are designed to protect women from harm. In 2016 ‘Ask For Angela’ was launched. A campaign in which bars, restaurants and other establishments aim to keep people from danger and prevent sexual assaults.
It works by a member of the public approaching a member of staff in an establishment and asking for ‘Angela’. The staff member will then escort them to safety by taking them into the back and/or ordering them a taxi.
Selena, 35, tells me that women in the group are encouraged to do ‘Clair’s Law’ when it’s necessary. Under Clair’s Law, you can request information about a current or ex-partner if you are worried they may have a history of abuse or you are at risk.
With initiatives, campaigns groups, laws and various other things designed to safeguard women, I can only help but feel it’s a shame we need them in the first place!
There is no denying that there is some controversy surrounding these groups and people don’t always stick the rules and this can have negative consequences for women and men
When women being sued by men for things they are posting in the group, I think it is vital for women to ensure they protect themselves legally before they interact with posts or make any themselves. On the contrary, maybe more men seeking legal action will deter women who are not being honest and fair in their postings.
As for myself, a single woman who has had her fair share of horror stories when it comes to dating, I think that these groups do more good than they cause harm, and if we can protect one women from heartache, abuse or straight-up dickish behaviour then it’s a ‘YAY’ from me!
