I can’t help but crack a smile when I tell people that my partner and I are living apart and I don’t plan on cohabitating, the shock on their faces always makes me want to burst into fits of laughter, not because they are funny, I just find it quite assuming that people find it very strange when I tell them I have no plans of cohabitating.
A colleague even asked me if my partner suffered from addiction issues and a family friend thought I was a victim of domestic abuse because we had no plans to move in together. Of course, in some people’s eyes, there had to be relationship issues for us to decide to live apart, because why would any normal person choose such an unconventional way of living?
My partner being a ‘substance abuser’ and myself being a ‘victim of abuse’ couldn’t have been further from the truth, our relationship is stronger than ever and we are very much in love. Choosing to live separately was a decision that we both agreed to and for us, it works!
You are probably thinking by now that I have had some terrible experiences with a partner in the past that have led to me making such a decision, I apologise if I have disappointed you, but there isn’t, however, having spent the majority of my life single I have grew to value and love my independence, freedom and space and this is something that I am not willing to compromise on. Who says you can’t have it all?
Like most young girls growing up, I dreamt of meeting a handsome partner and having a big white wedding, where we would share a nice home, have children and perhaps even have a few pets. Still, as I got older, I grew and adapted to my circumstances, experiences and what life has thrown my way.
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 4 years and despite our ups and downs, our relationship has gone from strength to strength.
We are both in our mid-30s and don’t have any children. We both work full-time and have pretty demanding jobs, hobbies and fairly busy social lives.
In the early days of our dating, I brought up the fact that I had never lived with a partner and had no desire to do so in the future, ever and he laughed it off, assuming I was a creature of habit. However, my boyfriend came with his own negative experiences of cohabitating.
He had bought a house with his ex and their relationship never worked out, resulting in them having to sell the property and go their separate ways. The stress of a break-up, selling the property and having to start again put him off sharing a living space with someone else.
Since my partner was also happy for us to live apart, that allowed us to build a strong foundation for this lifestyle choice to work. I believe you have to be on the same page about cohabitating or living separately or there is likely to be a relationship breakdown.
Some would argue that relationships are about compromise, and if it’s something your partner wants then you should make it work, however, to compromise on such a huge lifestyle choice can lead to resentment and conflict which some couples may not survive!
My partner and I don’t have the same relationship issues or conflicts that come with cohabitating with partners, for example, household responsibilities. I often hear from friends about how annoyed they get when their partner doesn’t pull their weight around the house or leaves the toilet seat up or hair down the plug holes.
Of course, my partner has certain habits that irritate me and the same for him, but luckily for us, We don’t have to moan about them, and we can come home to a space that is exactly how we want it to be.
I admit, I am a ‘clean freak’ and very particular, I like things minimal and I HATE clutter! My partner, on the other hand, is clean but a little messy, he hates throwing things away and thinks he will always find use for something, even though he hasn’t used said object for years.
I don’t have to get irritated about picking up after him or hoarding my already small living space with items he will never use and he doesn’t have any pressure about living up to my standards of cleanliness.
Domestic tasks and chores don’t take over our relationship like they can sometimes do in those who cohabitate and none of us feels any pressure to please the other in this area.
As we do not cohabitate, we rarely argue about money, since there is no splitting of bills and we manage our finances separately.
I find that our choice to live alone helps us keep our identity. My favourite mantra, is ‘I am not my relationship’ and I vow to stick this by this. My relationship doesn’t define who I am, and I don’t need it to be happy or validate my worth.
Sadly, I have seen all too often, men and women become their relationships, whether this be intentional or something that we don’t even realise is happening. Myself and my partner feel strongly about keeping our individuality and whilst of course, you can do this whilst living with your partner, I found that living alone makes it easier for me to be true to myself.
I am a person who likes spending time alone too, it doesn’t serve my well-being when I don’t get the alone time I need, as well as my partner and as much as I love spending time with him, I equally love coming home to my safe space and my sanctuary where I can I binge my favourite Netflix series without having to consider what he wants to watch and cook my favourite meals without having to consider whether he likes it and don’t get me started on having a bed to yourself!
Intimacy in our relationship is not lacking and my partner and I have developed a good routine which works for us. We don’t live close to one another but don’t live far either, and we spend 2-3 weekday evenings a week together, and around 3 out of 4 weekends a month together. This leaves us time to do things we enjoy doing such as hobbies and seeing family and friends.
My partner and I regularly make the effort to not only spend quality time with one another but also do fun and adventurous things together and this is our way of making up for the fact that we do not see each other every day.
I have been with my partner for 4 years and can honestly say that I have not yet felt bored with him or the relationship and I believe this is because we don’t live together!
Whilst choosing to live apart may be considered unconventional for some, my partner and I have no desire to try and live up to society’s expectations and don’t feel any pressure to conform because ‘it’s just what people do’.
Of course, choosing to live separately from your partner has many disadvantages, there are times when I could just do with him being there, right in front of me, especially during times when I need a cuddle or a spider to get rid of!
Money is also a huge disadvantage as we would both save so much money if were splitting expenses and amid a cost of living crisis, things are getting much tighter and we are having to be extra careful with money!
Just like living with your partner, living separately also takes work as it is easier to brush relationship issues under the carpet because you are not there with them all the time, which can often force you to address any conflict you have.
We have also had to work through issues of insecurities and jealousy regarding how we spend our time separately, and it gets difficult when we both get busy with work and other things meaning we cannot spend as much time with one another!
For myself and my partner, the advantages of living apart far outweigh the disadvantages for us and we will continue to do what works and what makes our relationship strong and healthy.
My partner and I have decided that we will continue to live apart for the foreseeable and have no plans to cohabitate any time soon. Of course, we never know what will happen in the future but with set-up working so well for us, I can’t it changing anytime soon!
