A guide to dating Black women:
My dear friend had just gotten back into the dating scene after six months of being sworn off all women when his relationship of two years had abruptly and unexpectedly ended.
We were so pleased for him when he managed to check and said he was ready to start dating again, and it wasn’t long before he came to me asking for advice.
He was a Greek Cypriot man, and in the small town he came from in Cyprus, there were not many people of color.
I recall him telling me all about the new girl he had been talking to. They had only been on one date, but he seemed to really have a connection with her.
“I just don’t want to get this wrong”, he said “It’s my first time dating a woman of color”.
I appreciated the fact that he had seen her race and knew it would be ignorant to not acknowledge it because it was a part of who she was. To see her color was to see her.
This led me to reflect on my personal experiences of interracial dating, and the general racism and biases that I had encountered throughout my life, whether intentional or not.
Interracial dating is a truly wonderful thing. It promotes positive change, diversifies our communities and promotes a more inclusive society.
As positive as interracial dating is, it can’t be ignored that it comes with its challenges, so if you are dating Black women, please be open-minded, sensitive to cultural differences and differing experiences of your date!
Below are some things you should definitely not say, assume or be shocked by when dating black women!
1.”Are your lips real?”
I remember being at school, and a friend had just sealed a Valentine’s card to send to her boyfriend.
We all put lip gloss on and kissed the card so it would leave lip marks in a juicy red colour.
I remember my friends (all of whom were non-black) laughing and making fun because the shape of my lips on the envelope was much bigger than theirs. I remember feeling embarrassed and ashamed of the shape of my lips.
Fast forward 20 years, and a quick scroll through social media tells me that the same girls who made fun of me are paying to have lip filler!
Funny how the tables turn!
The point I am making is Black women are known for having thick, full lips; it’s part of our genetic makeup, and with full lips now considered a ‘beauty standard’, a lot of women (and men) are getting theirs enhanced.
This may lead you to assume that your date has done the same if you have no previous experience dating Black women.
2. “Can I see your real hair”
Okay, no problem, let me just take out these braids I paid over £100 for and took 7 hours to do so you can see my real hair!
Please tell me why any woman would take out her faux hair just so you can see what’s underneath?!
It’s not that serious; if it progresses into something more serious, then it is very likely, at some point, you will see her ‘real hair’.
Side note: Not all Black women wear faux hair, wearing our natural hair is just as popular 🙂
3. Assuming a light skinned Black person is mixed race
Black comes in all different shades.
Don’t assume that because someone has a lighter skin tone, they are mixed with something. Whilst some people may not mind that you have made this assumption, some may not be so happy.
With that being said, it also works the other way around; don’t assume just because they have a dark skin tone that they don’t have family members of a different race. I myself have a mixed-race mother and a Caucasian Grandma, and some people act shocked when I tell them!
The best thing you can do if you are unsure is ask. There is nothing wrong with asking about a person’s heritage or ethnicity, especially when trying to get to know them. Just ensure you are sensitive and respectful about it.
4. We wear hair bonnets to bed
I remember going to a conference with my colleagues at a previous company I worked for. We stayed in a hotel due to it being out of town, and that evening, after a long day at the conference, I got into my pajamas with my hair bonnet, ready to relax for the night.
A few colleagues had knocked on my door to invite me to the bar for drinks and appeared shocked and amused when I answered my hotel door in a hair bonnet. Something so normal to me was clearly something they hadn’t seen before.
When it is time for sleepovers with your date, don’t act shocked or make fun of your date for wearing a hair bonnet for bed. It’s a normal everyday thing for us, and some may even wear them out of the house!
The whole purpose of it is to protect our fragile hair from breakage and damage that can be caused by our pillows and bed covers.
it also maintains our hairstyles, such as braids, wigs and weaves.
5. “You Are Pretty For A Black Woman”
I cannot begin to comprehend how disrespectful and offensive this statement is. You may think you are paying someone a compliment, but you are not.
This statement is very harmful to Black women and perpetuates that Black is not beautiful, but you are the exception.
The toxic standards of beauty have long plagued our societies and left Black women and other women who do not meet society’s standards of beauty feeling unworthy and inadequate.
6. “You don’t like spicy food/hip-hop, I thought you were Black”
This statement feeds into the stereotypes that people have of Black people.
Whilst people of African and Caribbean descent cook with various spices and seasonings, not every Black person likes spicy food! Some will argue that if it is too spicy, then it ruins the meal, and you don’t get to taste all the flavors.
The same goes for believing that all Black people like hip-hop. Not everyone does, and that is fine.
By making statements like the above, you are failing to acknowledge your date’s individualism and understand that they can have their own tastes in music, food, and other things that may fall out of the parameters of their own culture, and doing so doesn’t make them ‘less Black’.
Also, we do not have to live up to the standards of ‘blackness’ that you think we should possess!
7. “All lives matter”
We are quite aware that every life, regardless of race, should be valued, and that is the whole point in the Black Lives Matter movement because we are shown, especially by acts of violence and Police brutality, that our lives are deemed less important and are undervalued in society.
This statement could be very damaging to your relationship because it can appear to go against and belittle the Black Lives Matter movement whilst also showing the woman you are dating that you are not an ally and do not stand in solidarity with Black and Indigenous communities!
8. Your date says “I’m washing my hair”
This saying is an excuse that was used by women to turn down dates.
Nowadays, everyone knows that when a woman stays, she is washing her hair, then she just isn’t that into you!
This, however, may not be the case when dating black women, and if she can’t go out with you because she is ‘washing her hair’, then it is very likely that she is quite literally – washing her hair!!
This is because Black women are known to have ‘hair days’. Hair days are when we wash, deep condition/treat/steam/plait our hair.
It’s like a ritual to some Black women and an act of self-care.
9. When getting a tan you say “I’m going to be darker than you soon”
I can assure you that no Black person wants to hear that you are going to be as dark as them by the time you are done tanning. First of all, melanin and a sun tan are not quite the same and second of all, it’s just not funny!
Final thoughts
On that note, Dating Black women just means you have to be culturally sensitive and more mindful of behaviors and things we say.
One of the best feelings is getting to know and spending time with someone whom you have a connection with. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, ask questions if you are unsure, be kind to one another and lastly, have fun!!
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