When Carly and her partner of 9 years fell pregnant with her first child, like most parents, they spent many hours discussing how they would raise their child. Her partner, (already a parent of 3 children from a previous marriage) had noticed the disparities in how his children were treated based on their gender, and the negative impact this particularly had on his son who displayed more feminine energy growing up.
This led the couple to question gender norms and how gender can heavily influence and shape children’s minds, the way they perceive and show up in the world and how it can be truly damaging for a child to feel that they cannot be who they are because of their biological sex. Carly and her partner wanted different for her now 2 children, Remi, age 3 and Morgan, age 2 years.
Carly explains how they didn’t want Remi and Morgan to conform to gender roles and let society dictate how they should feel, think, dress, express their emotions, what they should be, and how they should act because of the sex they were assigned at birth.
They believe that anatomy doesn’t assign gender and that their children should be given the freedom to be their authentic selves and express themselves how they wish to. Therefore, opted to adopt a gender-neutral parenting style, also known as gender-creative and gender-inclusive.
According to Rebecca Minor (a gender specialist) in an article from The Bump, gender-neutral parenting prevents gender norms and stereotypes from being imposed on children, allowing them to explore their own interests and identities.
Carly, who identifies as female, grew up in a single-parent household with her mother and sister and describes herself as having strong ‘masculine and feminine energy’. She was raised with the typical gender norms, however, she describes enjoying activities typically associated with boys, such as sports and liked wearing tracksuits and trainers.
“Growing up, I adopted a more masculine role in the household. From a young age, I learnt to do DIY to help my mum out around the house, and I also hated wearing pink and dresses, everything that society tells us girls should like.”
In case you were wondering how gender-creative parenting manifests, Carly explains how the children go by them/them pronouns, wear clothes and play with toys from both sections in the stores, the family use gender-neutral language and commits to embracing diversity, challenging stereotypes and encouraging individuality. Remi and Morgan will also decide which gender they identify with when they are old enough if they choose to identify with any at all, or both!
Carly has also chosen not to share the biological sex of her children with anyone and Psychology Today explains how concealment of the assigned sex is designed to protect the children from gender-based stereotypes and expectations.
“People often misgender the children, especially if they are wearing outfits that are considered to be for a boy or a girl, and I notice the difference in how they are interacted with, from the language people use, to how they behave towards them.
“I don’t take offence to people mis-gendering them, I understand that it is pretty normal for people to assume they are a boy or girl because that’s what we have been brought up to know, that there are 2 genders, male and female. I just politely correct them, which can often lead to shock and a million and one questions to follow .”
Whilst choosing this unconventional parenting approach, Carly describes how it has certainly come with its challenges, admitting that she has also had to challenge and be aware of her own biases to make gender-neutral parenting as effective as possible.
”The children are still very young, I think that this is the easiest stage, I should imagine that it will get harder as they get older, and begin to question their anatomy and potentially be influenced by their peers.
Carly explains that challenges with gender-neutral parenting also come from family members, some of which she describes as more ‘traditional in their views’.
“It has damaged some relationships within my family. Still, when I have challenged them, they are not able to explain why they disagree with my approach, other than it is ‘out of the ordinary’. I feel that a lot of it stems from fear, so I do my best to educate them, while holding them responsible for respecting my wishes and how I choose to parent”.
“People can be judgmental and voice unwanted opinions, family and friends included but the main thing is that the children are happy and healthy, so it shouldn’t matter if they are gender fluid. I knew that people would disagree and try to give 101 reasons why I shouldn’t raise them in such a way, but I just tell them to mind their own business.”
Carly and I discussed the fact that many people feel that raising children’s gender-neutral ‘confuses them’ but Carly disagrees.
“How can they be confused, when they are being given the autonomy to choose who they want to be, and how they want to show up in the world?
“What’s confusing is, for example, a male child who enjoys playing with dolls and whose favourite colour is pink, being told they can’t because it’s for ‘girls’ or even worse, being made to feel that their likes and interests are wrong because of the sex they were assigned at birth. Wouldn’t this leave the child confused about their identity? It could also lead to the child suppressing true identity.
Another issue we discussed, was the fact that many people felt that this approach makes children more susceptible to bullying and harassment and people feel it’s wrong to make your child/children targets of abuse.
Carly laughs “Why don’t we raise our children not to be bullies and accept people for who they are, rather than trying to change aspects of the victim (or potential victims in this case). The focus should be on how we can prevent bullying and raise awareness about gender neutrality and the positive benefits of it.
“I understand that some children can be cruel to another, and the only thing I can do is try to prepare my children emotionally for this, teach healthy coping strategies and always create a space where they feel they can confide in myself or their father if they are being bullied”
As Carly’s children grow, she enjoys every minute as she watches Remi and Morgan’s personalities develop, discover their likes and dislikes, and express themselves through play and other daily activities.
She feels confident that gender-creative parenting will build open-minded, empathetic individuals, who are confident in who they are and deeply accepting of others.
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