If you are the one who’s always been ‘forever single’ out of your friendship group, the one who never has a plus one to take to family gatherings, perhaps you are not short of men to have fun with but can’t for the life of you find someone to settle down with; then I feel you, girl (or boy)!
I used to be ashamed to say that I have been forever single, yup, never been in a committed relationship and here’s the real shocker: at the grand age of 31!
I didn’t plan it; it’s not of my own doing, I would love to meet a guy, settle down, and start a family; I just haven’t found a man who wants to be in a relationship with me or who wants to be in a relationship with me.
Some may say it’s sheer bad luck, some (like my father) argue that you have to kiss many frogs before you meet your prince charming, and some, to my disdain, may believe that there is something wrong with me!
Unfortunately, I don’t know why love has dodged me like a bullet; I certainly didn’t envision the circumstances I am met with. I am not bad-looking, well-educated, and financially stable, but I guess that doesn’t guarantee that you will find in this lifetime.
Since I have spent all my life single, I have had a lot of time to reflect. I’ve learnt that we place so much value on our relationship status that we can let it define who we are.
Our single status can make us feel less than, unloved, unworthy like we are not good enough like something is wrong with us. It can cause us to stress and worry about the future, and it can even cause us to look at others with envy!
I have spent many years going through all of the above emotions, but I now feel I am at peace with where I am; I am happy and content regardless of my relationship status, and I want that for you, too, for everyone who is struggling with being ‘forever single!
Advice for those who have been forever single:
1. Don’t be ashamed to admit it
At one point, I felt so much shame and embarrassment around my relationship status that I would avoid discussions about it at all costs, lie or even get defensive with family and friends who would bring it up to the point they noticed it was a sore subject and would avoid asking about my love life.
With time and courage to be vulnerable, I began admitting it and sharing it with those I felt comfortable with, and when I did, I was shown love, compassion and encouragement.
I quickly learnt that I didn’t need to be ashamed of my relationship status because when my shame was met with compassion, it could no longer survive.
When you own your truth, you take your power back, and there isn’t anything anyone could do or say that could make you feel crappy about your relationship status!
2. People will judge you, but who cares?
Society places expectations on us. It tells us we should go to university, get a good job, buy a house, get married and have babies, and when someone doesn’t meet these expectations, it can cause people to judge us.
I certainly noticed this judgement much more when I hit my 30s – I remember a colleague telling me “You’ve never had a partner? You must be one of them crazy girls”
Always remember that judgment is not a fact, and people will form their own opinions based on their own conceptions, thoughts, beliefs and experiences – None of which have anything to do with you!
What anyone thinks about you is none of your business, and judgment will only affect you if you believe what they say is true!
Set boundaries if you are uncomfortable discussing certain topics, and don’t be afraid to challenge anything that offends you.
Let them know you feel judged; most people don’t aim to set out to hurt you!
3. Focus on all the love you do have in your life
Love is love no matter where it comes from, and you don’t have to have a partner to feel love and love for others.
We are loved by our friends, family, colleagues and even strangers, and that love isn’t less valuable because it doesn’t come from a partner.
Whenever you feel down in the dumps about being single, think about how truly loved you are by your nearest and dearest, and it will fill your heart with gratitude and appreciation.
4. Find happiness in your current reality
Why is it that we are also chasing happiness? – I will be happy when I reach my desired weight, buy that new car, and meet the man of my dreams.
We can be happy right now, in this present moment, regardless of our circumstances; stop waiting for external factors to make you happy. There is a chance you will never find happiness because as soon as you gain one desire, another will come to replace it.
5. Act as if love will never find you
What if I told you, you would never pursue a romantic relationship this lifetime, and you would be forever single? What would you do?
From where I stand, you have two options;
You can go through life being miserable, unhappy, angry and bitter about it
OR
You can say F it! I’m going to be happy anyway
Choose to cherish and appreciate those whom you love and care for, travel more, try new things, be open to new opportunities and stop ‘waiting’ for Prince Charming to come along.
6. Accept that you won’t always get what you want
The simple truth is that we do not always get what we want.
Nothing is guaranteed in this life, and just because you feel deserving, it doesn’t mean you will get it!
Some people never find love, and you can’t tell for certain that this won’t be you. Trust that you can live a beautiful and fulfilling life without having a significant other.
When we can get to a place of acceptance, we understand that we cannot control everything, thus making peace with where we are in the here and now.
7. Don’t settle for less
One of the worst things we can do is settle for less than we deserve because we fear being alone. This will only cause more pain and heartache in the long run.
As cliché as it sounds, you are better off alone than with someone you know you are incompatible with.
You may be thinking being in a relationship is better than being alone, but it’s not; by being with someone you know deep down isn’t right for you, you are harming yourself.
Never settle on love, and don’t drop your standards; you deserve someone as amazing as you!
8. Take responsibility for yourself
If you are struggling with your single status, then it is likely that there is some inner work to be done, and by this, I mean there may be some trauma and insecurities you need to work through and some healing to be done.
It’s very easy for us to blame everyone else for not finding love: ” No one takes dating seriously anymore,” or “everyone is on the lookout for something better.”
When we place blame on everyone else, we fail to see that we could be the ones getting in our own way of finding love because we are not addressing the things that affect our relationships with others.
Taking responsibility for yourself will require you to be honest with yourself; start by asking yourself if you would date yourself; if the answer is no, then think about what you need to work on!
A word…
Whilst it may at times seem like everyone is settling down or loved up, always remember that having a partner does not determine your self-worth! You are so much more than being in a relationship.
Being ‘forever single’ doesn’t have to mean being lonely; finding purpose and meaning in your life through other relationships with others and things that make you happy!
Lets us know how you manage being ‘forever single’?
